Almost Perfect

- First Written February 1, 2005 -
Have you ever been in a situation and thought, "This is perfect"? Just to have reality crash back and realize it is not perfect. Well maybe the situation is perfect but there is something a little off.
Experiencing one of those situations recently has put me into a melancholy mood. I've really started thinking about things, they way there are now, they way I want them to be, what needs to happen to be where I want to be. All these situations and more are mocking me. My brain is just spinning in circles, when really all I can do is wait.
Let me back up and clue you in. I will tell you a short story.
I was curled up, my sweater draped over me for warmth, resting my head on his shoulder. My mind was wandering as his voice soothed me. The exhaustion I had felt for the last several weeks had disappeared sometime during the hour-long back rub. I was content, quite, comfortable, and safe. Something seemed wrong with these thoughts. I pushed the nagging thought to the back and concentrated on feeling safe. It had been so long since I had felt that way, I just wanted to feel it, not think about it. I brought my mind back to poem he was reading. My thoughts would not stay on his words, so I just listened to his voice. My thoughts just wandered along, I like this.
He did not hold me. He did not even really move after I settled down. He was just there. Like always, not moving toward but not moving away, just letting me take what I needed.
The thoughts in the back of my mind started asking me questions. "What are you doing?" The question came up that had an obvious answer.
"Enjoying time with a friend"
"Oh, really?" The voice asked. "This is how you relax with a friend?"
"Yeah."
"Since when? What are you really thinking?" The voice persisted.
"That I could stay right here, like this. If the world disappeared right now, I'd be content."
"So you want to stay right here with him. So he is 'the one'?"
"What?! No, I did not say that. Don't go putting words in…in my head!" I angrily silenced the voice for a while. No, not with him," I thought as I settled my head more comfortable on his shoulder. He started a new poem. A song he has written, he sang it for me a couple of weeks ago.
I want this feeling, this type of relationship, openness, closeness that he and I have with the man I spend the rest of my life with, but not him. That train had already left the station and there were no return trips for that one.
CRASH! "Damn cats," I exclaimed. We both got up to view their newest destructive activity. Nothing was broken; they had just knocked the laundry basket over.
We both laid back down on my bed. I tried to get comfortable again but his shoulder seemed bonier now, less comfortable. I grabbed my pillow.
He went back to reading and I tried to regain my comfort I had before.
"Almost perfect," I said to myself. "This is almost perfect." Melancholy set in. By the time I took him home around 1:30 a.m. I was quiet and with drawn.
The next morning I woke up refreshed and relaxed for the first time in months. But I was also very with drawn. All day I thought about stuff.
Why not? That question had been coming up a lot lately when people would talk about him and I. My best friend, his ex, even asked it. Her brother asked it. Other friends of mine asked it. His best friend asked it. Our response, "because…no…" No real reason but all the reasons in the world.
Now I am suck in a predicament. What do I want? With whom do I want this? How am I going to get there?
I can't imagine kissing him. That is bad. I can't imagine our relationship being any other way than it is right now but is that enough. What happens later then?